Posts Tagged 'Relationships'
… but the slipper didn’t fit.
Published May 27, 2010 Relationships Leave a CommentTags: acts like a princess, Relationships
This is what my client, describing the reasons for his divorce, told me about his former wife. While the story soon became more complete , it was
Looking for your missing piece?
Published April 15, 2010 Relationships Leave a CommentTags: couples counseling, finding a match, finding a partner, partnering, partners who fit, Relationships, romantic partners, single looking for a partner, singles counseling
Are you having a difficult time finding a partner?
Sometimes a person is looking for a “match” – someone just like him or her, who likes and dislikes the all of the same things and who will not present too much challenge to one’s preferences and beliefs.
Other times a person may be looking for a partner who is a good “fit” – someone who complements and enhances, and who may compensate for their deficits.
This little illustrated story, by Shel Silvestein, is a sweet and telling tale of partnering, and offers another perspective. I hope you enjoy it, and take the time to consider its life-lesson.
http://www.osorhan.com/bigo/index.php (there may be a message “website cannot be found” – just continue to click on “next” under the drawing)
If you’re having trouble with finding a romantic partner, perhaps the problem is how you view “partnering.” Consider seeing a professional therapist to discover whether (or
not) you may need to make some personal changes that will make it more likely you’ll find someone who can roll with you!
Find yourself first, then when your “vision” is clear, look for your hoped-for partner.
Call today for an appointment.
Getting to know you, part 2.
Published January 14, 2010 Relationships Leave a CommentTags: dating, meeting people, new relationships, Relationships
How do you get to know about someone relatively quickly? It’s not always easy to meet new friends or new romantic partners, and when you do you may be uncertain of what questions will give you a glimpse into the person’s values and beliefs.
In a previous post ["Getting To Know You; Getting To Know All About You" - posted on 8/28/09] I offered some questions that were suggested by clients and by colleague Jamie Showkeir at Henning and Showkeir Associates (www.henning-showkier.com).
Recently two more questions were posed by clients during sessions that focused on the issue on on-line dating, and how to find out about prospective dates. Here then are two additional suggestions. If you are interested in the full list of questions, please see the noted post for the original list.
Q: If you had to lose most of your physical senses, which two would you keep and why?
Q: If you had to be a particular book, which book would you choose? This question of course was inspired by the story Fahrenheit 451.
If you have any illuminating questions to contribute, please reply to this post with your suggestions.
Blameless – and Forgiven
Published October 8, 2009 Relationships Leave a CommentTags: ending relationships, forgiveness, love and forgiveness, Relationships
“I blame her for nothing. I forgive her for everything.”
My client heard this statement somewhere and he felt that it expressed his loving resignation at the uncommon love and awful treatment he had received from his wife. He called her his dark wife because very few people knew of their private marriage. They walked around as close friends, and went separate ways before joining in private for intense talks and unbounded love-making. As a part of their anonymous relationship he even had to watch other men flirt with and proposition her – and sadly, watch her flirt back… and a few times accept the propositions as his heart broke quietly inside. In the end, along with moments of true joy and sensual abandon, she had hurt him terribly. 
“The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long” was one of his favorite sayings when describing their passionate yet truncated romance. And now it had burned out. He was left with the deepest loneliness and despair he had ever endured. He was having difficulty re-defining himself without her, and could not find sufficient joy in anyone or anything to make him laugh again.
Therapy for him was simply a way of learning to once again lifting his eyes to the possibility of fun and romance in his life. He already knew it was what he wanted, but also knew he had lost his way, lost himself inside her and he wasn’t sure he would ever find his way out again.
He had bravely decided that he needed help, and he found it in therapy. We talked each session about love: his love, her love and the divergence of their paths. We talked about why he was attracted to volatile relationships, and how his childhood and upbringing may have contributed to his affinity for the passionate polarity she had brought into his life. He finally did laugh again, though he longed for her right through the very last session, and he told me,with a misty-eyed smile, that he would always love her.
Sometimes paths converge when we least expect it. Other times paths may quietly, or tumultuously lead in opposite directions. We cannot know what may come. If you are dealing with changes in your life and relationships, and finding yourself wondering how to adjust yet be yourself, call a qualified therapist and begin to explore how to resolve your conflicts and increase your contentment. And find forgiveness for yourself and others.
“The Map Is Not The Territory”
Published February 25, 2009 Musings Leave a CommentTags: authentic conversations, korzybski, Relationships, the map is not the territory
Coined by Alfred Korzybski, this iconic phrase, “The map is not the territory”, concisely explained his idea that the idea of something is not the thing itself, meaning that an abstract idea cannot truly reflect the totality an experience, of another person or of an event. For example, ones belief about someone cannot possibly capture all that is true about that person.
Relationships are often fraught with minor, and sometimes major conflicts and misunderstandings. If, as Korzybski states, we can only know things through indirect abstractions and do not have access to the full reality of the world around us, we can take a cue from this simple yet profound notion and use it to create more satisfying relationships with others. Often the root of interpersonal relationships, whether positive, enjoyable and inspiring or negative, hurtful and constricting, can be found in our beliefs about the other person. When we can recognize that those beliefs should more accurately be called assumptions or at least partial truths, then there is room for a change in our “beliefs” and therefore in our way of relating. The willingness to find out about and understand the other person’s experience of the relationship, and correct inaccurate assumptions, both yours and theirs, is a prerequisite for improving mutual understanding and enhancing the possibility of a more authentic conversation.
We are of course used to having faith in our beliefs. That is after all why we hold them so dearly and tenaciously. It’s interesting that we can be so certain even though we all had numerous experiences of finding out we were wrong, or previously misinformed. We may believe someone cares about us, or doesn’t, and be surprised to find out how wrong we were.
Take a step today to find out how well your “map” reflects the “territory.”
