Posts Tagged 'grief'
Forgive yourself; but not so fast!
Published January 9, 2012 Grief and Loss , Mental Health Issues , Relationships Leave a CommentTags: finding happiness, grief, Grief and Loss, intentional living, making changes, Relationships, therapy
On the contrary, it’s much more helpful – and mature – to dwell long enough to review your behavior and seriously think about how to avoid it in the future. In this time of reflection you may discover underlying issues that helped propel you to regretful conduct, and thereby have a chance to not only avoid similar circumstance, but to heal yourself and reconcile with others in a more meaningful way.
It Yet Remains To See
Published January 24, 2011 Grief and Loss Leave a CommentTags: despair, grief, Grief and Loss, losing a dream; lost hope, losing love, loss, lost love
Both clients came to treatment feeling very sad over a recent loss.
Within hours of each other I listened to two distinct and compelling stories. It was as if both clients had fallen into a hole.
One had lost someone he loved. Not through unexpected tragedy or unresolvable conflicts between them, but because he himself chose not to choose her. It was a simple yet complicated story that involved promises made to someone else. Promises, he said, were important to him, and so he had let a dream fall apart.
The second client had lost an opportunity for a new job that she had trained for over the past couple of years. One day things seemed good; on track for success. The next, they definitely
were not. Her hopes and dreams fell into a hole, along with her confidence. She’d had step away, and then take her bearings and find the strength to begin anew.
Both clients seemed infinitely sad, and spoke of feeling broken in a place no one could see. Both missed, and mourned everything that had seemed so possible. And now both had come to therapy because they needed believe they could endure the next thing that would shatter their dreams. “What was that?” I asked each in turn. “What else was there?”
First he, and then, in her own session, she surprised me; each saying that they weren’t sure what might happen next. There was nothing specific that either of them could name. It was just that they thought there probably would be something, sometime, somehow. They both were simply waiting, and anticipating the coming of more, and deeper sadness.
Therapy revealed, and began to resolve his quiet despair and resignation, as well as her desperation and hopelessness . He began to plan again, and to make an effort to improve things for himself and others. She began to re-discover her self-confidence. Yet both clients never really lost the tinge of sadness and the soft expectation of future additions to the well of tears that, one or two at a time, sometimes fell from their eyes. After months of conversations, the sessions became easier for him. We talked more of future than of past and he laughed from time to time… though not with his eyes. She was able to open up to friends, but could not yet enjoy their playful chatter. Both would need much more time to shed the pain.
And even now, though it is a long time since their sessions ended, when I think of either of them, I also think of this poem by Emily Dickinson:
Parting
My life closed twice before its close;
It yet remains to see
If Immortality unveil
A third event to me,
So huge, so hopeless to conceive,
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell.
His therapy lasted a couple of years, her’s a little longer. We worked through sad insights as well as hopeful realizations. Eventually both clients were able to rekindle a love of the many
wonderful surprises life can bring, and re-build a resilience to endure the not so wonderful surprises we all, from time-to-time, must face as we live through our own “partings.”
… and may you find peace.
Published October 4, 2010 Grief and Loss Leave a CommentTags: grief, Grief and Loss, grief and love, losing love
Sometimes there is not much to say.
One only need listen, and hold the other’s heart tenderly.
Such was the moment when my client handed me a poem, by Norah Leney, that he’d found; one that evoked for him the deep sadness that had brought him to therapy several months before.
Deep sobs -
That start beneath my heart
and hold my body in a grip that hurts.
The lump that swells inside my throat
brings pain that tries to choke.
Then tears course down my cheeks -
I drop my head in my so empty hands
abandoning myself to deep dark grief
and know that with the passing time
will come relief.
That though the pain may stay
There soon will come a day
When I can say her name
and be at peace.
Sadness is often a guest in my office, unwanted yet accepted by clients as they lift their eyes to see their reflection in mine.
Sometimes there is not much to say. Nothing more needs saying. And sounds would interfere.
Come experience a healing conversation, and the gentle silences in-between, that lets you, finally, hear yourself.
Make an appointment with a qualified therapist today.
Seeing Death for the first time.
Published April 19, 2010 Grief and Loss 2 CommentsTags: accepting death, death, death of a loved one, dying, grief, Grief and Loss, mourning, understanding death
“When you see the death of anything,
you see the death of everything.”
And of yourself.
Several of my young adult clients are beginning to see older relatives fall ill and sometimes die. These young people are being confronted, often for the first time, with the true nature of life and its complementary experience: death. They come to therapy with sadness yes, but more so with some uncertainty and confusion about how they should respond. They are taking cues from adults around them, yet realized that there is something different about their own experience. When I talk with them about their first
glimmers of the passing of the torch they usually fall into to thoughtful stillness, then begin to understand their fear and grief over their loss.
And then sometimes, as they open their inner eyes to the truth of the cycle of life, they begin to realize how fragile are we all; and why then it makes sense to be kind and thoughtful toward others, to forgive their transgressions when we can, and to remove ourselves yet sustain hopefulness for their eventual enlightenment even when we can’t. We spend many sessions talking of the cycles of life and of our place in that cycle. And more… of how to make the most of our lives.
And in this way, these young clients come to terms with their immediate loss, the eventual loss of other beloved people in their lives, their own ultimate departure from this life, and the 
importance of cherishing those who yet draw breath and return our gaze. They learn what may be one of the more important lessons in life:
Be kind to all you meet. They are dealing with sometime more difficult and distressing than you know.
If you are dealing with the serious illness or impending death of someone you love, call a qualified therapist today to make an appointment and begin discovering how you can make the most of their days… and of yours.
You may say I’m a dreamer…
Published October 19, 2009 Mental Health Issues Leave a CommentTags: grief, Grief and Loss, loss, lost dreams, mourning
How do our dreams die? Gently, with soft sighs and averted eyes? Or fighting for life, gasping for inner air and tearing at our hearts as they fall?
So often the central issue in therapy is the loss of an enduring dream for ones life. I have sat with many clients as they mourned the loss of a dream for their future, an intent or an aspiration that may have helped to define their life for years, or even decades. And when the dream is lost then a piece of the spirit is lost, even as we go on living.
The particulars are, of course, different for each of us. What is shared is that we feel we may never be the same again. It seems as though we may never so casually, or with such enthusiastic abandon feed our inner self and nourish a dream of things to come. We pause, perhaps stop in our movements, and feel the change in temperature that happens when something shifts deep inside.
It’s important to understand this is this indeed a time of mourning, for someone has been lost to us. That person is Ourselves! – the self that we believed for so long would one day step into the light with soaring satisfaction, heart-thumping joy, or even triumph. That dream of and for ourselves is gone, and we then are left, perhaps somber and perhaps stunned, with a previously unthinkable awakening to a previously unimagined reality. Yes, such losses of a “life-dream” may be worthy of mourning, not just a passing notice of sad “if onlys” — but true mourning. There are normal and expected stages of mourning, and it often takes longer than we would like. The loss of a dream, unlike many other of life’s losses, is invisible to others so we can appear to be strangely disconnected if people who care and notice have no context for our changed behavior.
If you’ve lost a dream, the dream you had for your life’s path, take heart. New dreams may emerge as you lift your eyes to new possibilities. We can be more resilient than we can believe during these difficult moments, and our imagination cannot be suppressed forever. When it’s taking too long, and before you lose hope for a future filled with satisfaction and contentment, contact a qualified therapist and get support in re-discovering dreams worth dreaming.
To see another of my posts on grief issues, see “Griefs by Emily Dickinson” posted on this site on November 16, 2008.
The Soul’s Storm-Emily Dickinson
Published February 15, 2009 Mental Health Issues , Musings Leave a CommentTags: emily dickinson, grief, long-term grief, poetry and therapy, therapy
Grief lingers in our lives… often beyond our expectations.
The invisibility of deep grief can leave one feeling extremely isolated, as others around you go about their lives not knowing the depth and scope of the turmoil and pain you feel. You may decide to help yourself by staying silent and allowing the passage of time to, hopefully, bring healing and peace-of-mind. Often however deep grief lingers and the pain endures much much longer than we ever anticipated. One can lose hope as well as the opportunity for true healing by not making positive steps to explore ways to find needed resolution.
Emily Dickinson’s poem The Soul’s Storm eloquently describes this all too common experience.
“It struck me every day
The lightning was as new
As if the cloud that instant slit
And let the fire through.
It burned me in the night,
It blistered in my dream;
It sickened fresh upon my sight
With every morning’s beam.
I thought that storm was brief,–
The maddest, quickest by;
But nature lost the date of this, 
And left it in the sky.”
If you are suffering from a deep and enduring grief, one that was left in the sky, don’t wait any longer. Seek a qualified therapist to help you recognized and embrace ways you might overcome the pain and fashion a new perspective that will allow some peace, some contentment and a path to a new beginning.
GRIEFS by Emily Dickinson
Published November 16, 2008 Musings Leave a CommentTags: emily dickinson, grief, poetry
Emily Dickinson’s poem is poignant, piercing, and eloquently expressive of how one can be touched, and held, by grief. After my previous post, I thought it might be helpful in a different way to read her words.
She says it so much better than do I.
I measure every grief I meet
With analytic eyes;
I wonder if it weighs like mine,
Or has an easier size.
I wonder if they bore it long,
Or did they just begin?
I could not tell the date of mine,
It feels so old a pain.
I wonder if it hurts to live,
And if they have to try.
And whether, could they choose between
They would not rather die.
I wonder if when years have piled-
Some thousands-on the cause
Of early hurt, if such a lapse
Could give them any pause;
Or would they go on aching still
Through centuries above,
Enlightened to a larger pain
By contrast with the love.
The grieved are many I am told;
The reason deeper lies,-
Death is but one and comes but once,
And only nails the eyes.
There’s grief of want, and grief of cold,-
A sort they call ‘despair,’
There’s banishment from native eyes,
In sight of native air.
And though I may not guess the kind
Correctly, yet to me
A piercing comfort it affords
In passing Calvary,
To note the fashions of the cross,
Of those that stand alone,
Still fascinated to presume
That some are like my own.
Grief: a brief review of a common experience.
Published November 12, 2008 Mental Health Issues Leave a CommentTags: differential diagnosis, grief, loss
One often hears the cliche “We are all more alike than we are different.” When we stop to consider the most common of human experiences however, we seldom name Grief as one of the most common. Grief is generally understood by both professionals and lay persons to be a complex and difficult emotional experience that can result in a wide variety of both functional and dysfunctional behaviors, and that can be of uncertain duration. But perhaps the most compelling aspect of grief is that it ubiquitous in the human experience. No one will have a life without loss, and therefore everyone will at some time, and usually several times, grieve the loss of someone or something cherished… something that is a part of our identity, and without which our self-concept is changed, sometimes temporarily and sometimes irrevocably.
The most understood clinical catagory in the grief continuum is Bereavement, diagnosed in relation to the loss of a loved one. This loss is something we all fear, yet all of us accept that it will be a part of our lives. Grief is less understood and less often recognized in that it can have many antecedents. There are many kinds of losses that result in a person feeling grief. Often the depth of the grief is unrecognized by the people around the grieving person simply because some losses seem so commonplace that the impact of the loss on a particular individual is misunderstood. The loss of a marriage or a loved one is easily identified and understood by most people. But different kinds of losses, though noticed, may fade in how we “hold” the person who is suffering. The loss of physical functioning, financial security, health or career can all result in the person grieving invisibly after others have given their condolences and moved on.
Now, at a time when more and more Americans are losing their jobs, we must understand the emotional impact of job loss, and the associated losses such as status, material possessions, work-based relationships, and self-identity. Grieving will be a major part of the psychological life of people who lose their jobs, and recent estimates are that approximately 1.3 million people lost their jobs in 2008, with 50% of those losses coming since July! With more and more companies announcing lay-offs, we have every indication that job loss and the associated loses will be a major contributor to mental distress over the next year or more. Because job loss has a more pervasive impact than might first be recognized, practitioners must be especially alert for signs of deep despair that might lead to suicidal thoughts or acts.
If you have experienced recent job loss, please recognize that grieving the multiple levels of loss from the initial one is an expected part of your healing process, and seek therapy and support early so that problematic symptoms don’t overwhelm you. If you are a practitioner, get more information about grief and the strategies that you can use to assist clients through their grief process. In particular, learn to make the differential diagnosis between Normal Grief, Complicated Grief, the newly identified Prolonged Grief Disorder (not yet officially accepted into the DSM), and Major Depression. Each diagnosis requires knowledgeable and thoughtful assessment and intervention for therapeutic and safety reasons. And remember to enquire about the full range of losses the person is experiencing. The kinds of losses and the resultant grieving most likely will be more extensive and more painful than is evident if you don’t take time to ask, and listen.
