Posts Tagged 'Grief and Loss'
Forgive yourself; but not so fast!
Published January 9, 2012 Grief and Loss , Mental Health Issues , Relationships Leave a CommentTags: finding happiness, grief, Grief and Loss, intentional living, making changes, Relationships, therapy
On the contrary, it’s much more helpful – and mature – to dwell long enough to review your behavior and seriously think about how to avoid it in the future. In this time of reflection you may discover underlying issues that helped propel you to regretful conduct, and thereby have a chance to not only avoid similar circumstance, but to heal yourself and reconcile with others in a more meaningful way.
Hey there, Sad Girl.
Published May 16, 2011 Grief and Loss , Relationships Leave a CommentTags: Grief and Loss, loss, lost love, love and therapy, missing someone you love, Relationships
My client came to his initial sessions in deep despair. He felt betrayed by someone who had claimed to love him. Lies had been told about him, and some of those lies had found their way to people willing to use them for their own ends. She had let that happen when she could have stopped it. It also hurt that he had done the opposite: remained silent about her betrayal and her hurtful behavior.
Now though, a couple of years later, he had gained more perspective, felt more at peace, and began to express his understanding that she too had suffered – though it was important for him to point out to me that her pain had been from the actions of others and not from him.
So he now thought that perhaps
he and she shared something poignant even if unwanted: a deep and abiding sadness over the way they had parted and for the people who had been hurt, themselves included.
He told me he had a message for her; that both his love and his sadness are enduring, and that her love and sadness are remembered.
I thought that sounded just about right.
If you have a deep and abiding sadness that sometimes wraps itself around you at unexpected moments, consider seeking the support and guidance of a qualified
psychotherapist. Perhaps you too can reach across an invisible divide and gently touch the memory of that certain someone.
It Yet Remains To See
Published January 24, 2011 Grief and Loss Leave a CommentTags: despair, grief, Grief and Loss, losing a dream; lost hope, losing love, loss, lost love
Both clients came to treatment feeling very sad over a recent loss.
Within hours of each other I listened to two distinct and compelling stories. It was as if both clients had fallen into a hole.
One had lost someone he loved. Not through unexpected tragedy or unresolvable conflicts between them, but because he himself chose not to choose her. It was a simple yet complicated story that involved promises made to someone else. Promises, he said, were important to him, and so he had let a dream fall apart.
The second client had lost an opportunity for a new job that she had trained for over the past couple of years. One day things seemed good; on track for success. The next, they definitely
were not. Her hopes and dreams fell into a hole, along with her confidence. She’d had step away, and then take her bearings and find the strength to begin anew.
Both clients seemed infinitely sad, and spoke of feeling broken in a place no one could see. Both missed, and mourned everything that had seemed so possible. And now both had come to therapy because they needed believe they could endure the next thing that would shatter their dreams. “What was that?” I asked each in turn. “What else was there?”
First he, and then, in her own session, she surprised me; each saying that they weren’t sure what might happen next. There was nothing specific that either of them could name. It was just that they thought there probably would be something, sometime, somehow. They both were simply waiting, and anticipating the coming of more, and deeper sadness.
Therapy revealed, and began to resolve his quiet despair and resignation, as well as her desperation and hopelessness . He began to plan again, and to make an effort to improve things for himself and others. She began to re-discover her self-confidence. Yet both clients never really lost the tinge of sadness and the soft expectation of future additions to the well of tears that, one or two at a time, sometimes fell from their eyes. After months of conversations, the sessions became easier for him. We talked more of future than of past and he laughed from time to time… though not with his eyes. She was able to open up to friends, but could not yet enjoy their playful chatter. Both would need much more time to shed the pain.
And even now, though it is a long time since their sessions ended, when I think of either of them, I also think of this poem by Emily Dickinson:
Parting
My life closed twice before its close;
It yet remains to see
If Immortality unveil
A third event to me,
So huge, so hopeless to conceive,
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell.
His therapy lasted a couple of years, her’s a little longer. We worked through sad insights as well as hopeful realizations. Eventually both clients were able to rekindle a love of the many
wonderful surprises life can bring, and re-build a resilience to endure the not so wonderful surprises we all, from time-to-time, must face as we live through our own “partings.”
… and may you find peace.
Published October 4, 2010 Grief and Loss Leave a CommentTags: grief, Grief and Loss, grief and love, losing love
Sometimes there is not much to say.
One only need listen, and hold the other’s heart tenderly.
Such was the moment when my client handed me a poem, by Norah Leney, that he’d found; one that evoked for him the deep sadness that had brought him to therapy several months before.
Deep sobs -
That start beneath my heart
and hold my body in a grip that hurts.
The lump that swells inside my throat
brings pain that tries to choke.
Then tears course down my cheeks -
I drop my head in my so empty hands
abandoning myself to deep dark grief
and know that with the passing time
will come relief.
That though the pain may stay
There soon will come a day
When I can say her name
and be at peace.
Sadness is often a guest in my office, unwanted yet accepted by clients as they lift their eyes to see their reflection in mine.
Sometimes there is not much to say. Nothing more needs saying. And sounds would interfere.
Come experience a healing conversation, and the gentle silences in-between, that lets you, finally, hear yourself.
Make an appointment with a qualified therapist today.
R.I.P.
Published August 17, 2010 Grief and Loss Leave a CommentTags: accepting death, death of a loved one, Grief and Loss, loss, understanding death
Sometimes there’s an amazing synchronicity among the clients in my practice. And sometimes the synchronicity that so suddenly appears is sad and disturbing.
Recently I had therapy sessions a number of people, none known to the others, who had suffered the death of a loved one. Some deaths were the natural conclusion to a life well-lived, while a few were due to sudden and senseless violence. One client tearfully shared with me memories of her mom, and the next day a father shared this memorial poem for his son. I’m now sharing it with, and for everyone.
I’M FREE
Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free
I’m following the path laid out for me
I took the hand when I heard the call
I turned my back and left it all
I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work or play
Tasks left undone must stay that way
If my parting has left a void
Fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss
Ah yes, these things I too will miss.
Perhaps my time seems all to brief
Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me
I’m at peace,
and I am free.
My clients had not yet found peace, and each one needed a place to let tears and memories freely flow. This is always such a difficult and precious time to spend with someone, and a privilege beyond measure.
Rest In Peace: All those who were lost
Live Peacefully: All those who are left.
Seeing Death for the first time.
Published April 19, 2010 Grief and Loss 2 CommentsTags: accepting death, death, death of a loved one, dying, grief, Grief and Loss, mourning, understanding death
“When you see the death of anything,
you see the death of everything.”
And of yourself.
Several of my young adult clients are beginning to see older relatives fall ill and sometimes die. These young people are being confronted, often for the first time, with the true nature of life and its complementary experience: death. They come to therapy with sadness yes, but more so with some uncertainty and confusion about how they should respond. They are taking cues from adults around them, yet realized that there is something different about their own experience. When I talk with them about their first
glimmers of the passing of the torch they usually fall into to thoughtful stillness, then begin to understand their fear and grief over their loss.
And then sometimes, as they open their inner eyes to the truth of the cycle of life, they begin to realize how fragile are we all; and why then it makes sense to be kind and thoughtful toward others, to forgive their transgressions when we can, and to remove ourselves yet sustain hopefulness for their eventual enlightenment even when we can’t. We spend many sessions talking of the cycles of life and of our place in that cycle. And more… of how to make the most of our lives.
And in this way, these young clients come to terms with their immediate loss, the eventual loss of other beloved people in their lives, their own ultimate departure from this life, and the 
importance of cherishing those who yet draw breath and return our gaze. They learn what may be one of the more important lessons in life:
Be kind to all you meet. They are dealing with sometime more difficult and distressing than you know.
If you are dealing with the serious illness or impending death of someone you love, call a qualified therapist today to make an appointment and begin discovering how you can make the most of their days… and of yours.
You may say I’m a dreamer…
Published October 19, 2009 Mental Health Issues Leave a CommentTags: grief, Grief and Loss, loss, lost dreams, mourning
