Archive for the 'Relationships' Category
Using these tips, and the ones in the previous post, will help you to re-kindle and maintain the extra magic in your relationship. Don’t depend only avoiding conflict. Do something positive to build the relationship you want.
Many couples know how to avoid conflict,
but couples that stay happy also know how to build on the positive.
Try these tips to help maximize the happiness in your relationship.
1. Express Thankfulness – Epressing gratitude, even for little things, creates positive feelings that serve as an “innoculation” against more challenging moments.
2. Be Playful - Couples who tease each other and joke around, even during a conflict, are more likely to remain emotionally connected.
3. Emphasize Good News - How we behave during good times may be more important than how sympathetic we are during bad times. Celebrate positive events.
4. Embrace Your Illusions - Concentrating on what you like about your partner and even sometimes having fun with an idealized image of your partner increases satisfaction.
Remember that small efforts can make a difference if practiced regularly. BE THE PARTNER YOU’RE LOOKING FOR! 
Pride Week-celebrating diversity.
Published June 29, 2010 Relationships Leave a CommentTags: gay and lesbian rights, gay pride
This is a week of celebrating Gay Pride.
While some members of our society enjoy all of the rights and privileges of full citizenship,
others do not, and moreover are sometimes subjected to harassement, agressive discrimination,
and even death at the hands of people living next door.
This week you can start to make a difference by rejecting prejudice and supporting the rights of your fellow citizens.
When the rights of one are ignored, the rights of all are in jeopardy.
In the East Bay area of Berkeley, Oakland and Hayward, California, two of my colleagues, Dr. Susanne Watson and Dr. Silvia Gorla are Gender Specialists.
… but the slipper didn’t fit.
Published May 27, 2010 Relationships Leave a CommentTags: acts like a princess, Relationships
“She acted like a total princess…
and my only choice was to be either a prince or a court jester!”
This is what my client, describing the reasons for his divorce, told me about his former wife. While the story soon became more complete , it was
helpful to hear his description of what it was like to feel restricted in the relationship roles that were available to him due to her need, as he described her, to be seen as both special and central to any partner’s life.
Many times in the course of providing relationship counseling I hear this story with different descriptions of the roles, and the parts being played assigned to different partners. Often this results in the same frustrations as this client experienced, and then sometimes both partners are quite happy with well-defined and even confining roles, and their challenges lay elsewhere.
If in your relationship you are feeling held in one or two roles that feel constricting, it might be time to discuss with your partner seeing a therapist together, to help lighten and enliven your connection with each other. And, you can ask yourself if you might be, with the best of intentions, restricting your partner is a way that prevents her or his full growth and full contentment. It’s OK to be princess and prince, or even court jester, if by choice and if other options are available.
Can’t quite figure it out, or can’t find a way to expand and enjoy the roles you each play in your relationship?
Call today for an appointment to illuminate and explore the possibilities.
Distant Lover? Keep it fresh!
Published May 24, 2010 Relationships 1 CommentTags: long distance love, long-distance lover, long-distance relationships, separated from my lover, separated from my partner
Long Distance love can be challenging.
If you are involved in a relationship that reaches across a distance, you know how difficult, frustrating, and sometimes worrisome it can be. It will not do to simply use the method and style of connecting that works when you are physically with each other. Special care is needed to keep the flame of your romance stoked over the miles that separate you from your lover.
These Tools for Intentional Living may help you to sustain and even strengthen your connection with your distant lover.
* Clarify the kind of relationship you want to have. Whether a part-time romance, a friendship with occasional passion-driven “benefits”, or a long-term committed partnership, your particular relationship should be mutually understood so that both of you can adopt the behaviors that will nourish and sustain it.
* Be patient with each other. There will be moments when you want to talk with your partner but cannot immediately reach her or him. There will times when she or he is not on the same “emotional page” as you when you do connect because you have been having different experiences during the previous hours or days. It’s important to use patience and to not expect that your long-distance love is constantly in tune with you.
* Use multiple ways to connect and communicate. Prepare yourselves with the tools and gadgets and technical skill to use several different methods to stay in touch.
Telephone, e/mail, mobile texting with attached photos and social networking sites like FaceBook can all be used to create a varied communication experience. Try conventional “snail mail” to give your long-distance lover a fun surprise and a tangible gift of your thoughts.
* Plan to meet as often as possible. If it’s possible for you, or both of you, to travel, make plans to meet as often as possible. Sometimes meeting “in the middle” at places neither of you has visited can add a sense of adventure to your times together.
* Have something to share while you’re apart. Try reading a book together, which will give you something in common to talk about other that how much you miss each other. You can also share on-line games like Scrabble (even available on your iPhone) that help maintain a feeling that you both are working on the same thing.
* Surprise your partner with a gift. Something that she or he can hold and see, and perhaps carry with them, can be a powerful talisman for the endurance of your relationship. Don’t depend on one such gift to last for months and months. Keep it fresh by unexpectedly sending another, maybe with a touch of your favorite perfume or cologne added for spice!
Above all, let your caring and desire fuel your imagination as you intentionally stoke the fires of your long-distance love.
Mother.
Published May 10, 2010 Mental Health Issues , Relationships 1 CommentTags: celebrating mother, missing mother, mother, mother's day
Mother’s Day almost always touches us deeply.
Like so many other people, the clients I see in my psychotherapy practice have deep feelings about their moms. Most often the feelings are a potpourri of warm and tender memories mixed with small regrets, perhaps for having been a difficult teenager or maybe because they are separated from their moms by more miles than are easily traveled.
Sometimes there are more difficult, complex or confused feelings brought on by long-time conflict or strong differences in world view or life style that are blended into the love that lives between and within them.
And then sometimes there is the simple yet piercing hollowness of missing her. The person cannot be with her or his mom because she is deceased, having been taken by nature or by violence. Perhaps she is suffering from an incapacitating disease like Dementia that renders her nearly as unreachable as does the silence of the grave. For each, and all of these circumstances there remains the purest kind of connection… that of mother and child; and also therefore the purest kind of experience.
For each and every client I who I have seen in psychotherapy or counseling, for so many reasons, the thought of “mother” had a powerful resonance. And so, on Mother’s Day each year, 
I think of friends and their mothers, I think of the mothers, and their children, that I have seen in my office, and I think of my own mother with awe at the power of that relationship.
If you want, or need, to talk about your mother, in celebration or despair or both, contact me or another qualified therapist and begin today.
Looking for your missing piece?
Published April 15, 2010 Relationships Leave a CommentTags: couples counseling, finding a match, finding a partner, partnering, partners who fit, Relationships, romantic partners, single looking for a partner, singles counseling
Are you having a difficult time finding a partner?
Sometimes a person is looking for a “match” – someone just like him or her, who likes and dislikes the all of the same things and who will not present too much challenge to one’s preferences and beliefs.
Other times a person may be looking for a partner who is a good “fit” – someone who complements and enhances, and who may compensate for their deficits.
This little illustrated story, by Shel Silvestein, is a sweet and telling tale of partnering, and offers another perspective. I hope you enjoy it, and take the time to consider its life-lesson.
http://www.osorhan.com/bigo/index.php (there may be a message “website cannot be found” – just continue to click on “next” under the drawing)
If you’re having trouble with finding a romantic partner, perhaps the problem is how you view “partnering.” Consider seeing a professional therapist to discover whether (or
not) you may need to make some personal changes that will make it more likely you’ll find someone who can roll with you!
Find yourself first, then when your “vision” is clear, look for your hoped-for partner.
Call today for an appointment.
A friend indeed is a friend in deed.
Published April 1, 2010 Relationships Leave a CommentTags: friends, friendship, friendship problems, losing a friend
“Shouldn’t a friend be your friend even when it’s hard?”
My young client, just ready to graduate from high school and fly away to her college years, was plaintive and holding back tears. Our session was focused on her hurt and confusion about her best friend who now seemed to be rejecting her. There are many such stories among teens and transitional age youth.
There also are more than a few similar stories among the young adults I see in my psychotherapy practice. One early 30s client was dismayed because a friend had stopped calling,
apparently, she heard from someone else, because the friend did not like her new boyfriend.
And, sadly, it’s not uncommon among older adults. A male client in his mid-60s talked of former friends who had become just that, former friends almost overnight.
Some people turn away from friends when the relationship is challenged by difficult events. Sometimes the reasons are many and complicated. Other times it may be difficult or impossible to really know why. It’s a difficult experience no matter why and at what age a person experiences it. As I listened to my 18 year old client talk about how unusual it was in her experience for someone to act that way, to disappear from a friendship, and as I saw the pain and confusion in her eyes, I wondered when she would again experience this loss of a friend, and how I could help her now in a way that might also help her then.
Many times we can feel as if Life brings us too much hardship to bear, but sometimes Life also protects us from what we are not ready to face. We’ve been given a gift though we don’t yet know it. This was such a moment, when I was happy for her to have her innocence. Many of my older clients have had to face this issue with more painful awareness.
If you’ve lost someone you care about, consider having some sessions with a therapist to help you reflect on and maybe even repair the relationship. Or at least to perhaps find some peace with the possibilities. Call today.
Brighten a couple of tomorrows.
Still crying inside…
Published March 18, 2010 Relationships 2 CommentsTags: crying for no reason, don't know why i'm crying, grief and love, grieving loss, grieving lost love, lost love, men crying, relationship loss
Emotional pain can linger much longer than we imagine…
It was a few years later. He’d done a lot of healing in our therapy sessions, and found a new path for his life that allowed him to move forward even though something inside had broken. It was more than his heart, more than his hope. I remember thinking that it wasn’t so much that he’s faced a change in his life, but that the ground beneath him, and inside of him, had shifted, leaving a crack where once it was solid. Still, he had chosen to end therapy before I thought he was ready. He said he felt positive about his future, though not exactly optimistic.
So when he called I thought perhaps some new distressing event or experience had befallen. It turned out that from time to time, when he didn’t expect it, he found himself quietly, silently crying to himself – still.
We spent another year looking backwards, looking forwards and illuminating the present. The place where he’d broken inside had become a smaller knot, but alas, with “smaller” came an intensity that could practically bring him to his knees. Quite simply, he still missed her, the wild and unpredictable moments and even the episodic misery she’d brought to his life. He had thought that he’d moved on, and was reasonably adjusted to his current relationship, but there were moments, still, when he was consumed with thoughts and memories of her. He didn’t understand why.
I though perhaps it was more simple than he imagined. He was feeling true grief. She had felt like holding onto a thunderstorm, all flashes of searing heat and disturbing rumblings. The eye of the storms had been tranquil but surreal, knowing the fierceness would return any moment. ” How could I miss that?” he mused. “How could I want more of that, much less cry for it?”
We began again to work through his grief, and re-discovered his hopes and intentions for a future of gentle rain and balmy winds rather than unendurable storms.
He terminated therapy, but this time with a decision that it was more of a break from treatment than an actual end. He would try again to walk toward a new future, and come back for a check-in a few months. He did that. And then again. And each time I could see more ease in his movement and hear more of a smile in his voice.
Grief has its own calendar. Emily Dickinson’s poem says it so well.
The Soul’s Storm.
It struck me every day
The lightning was as new
As if the cloud that instant slit
And let the fire through.
It burned me in the night,
It blistered in my dream;
It sickened fresh upon my sight
With every morning’s beam.
I thought that storm was brief,–
The maddest, quickest by;
But Nature lost the date of this,
And left it in the sky.
Looking Good From A Distance
Published March 11, 2010 Relationships 2 CommentsTags: being seen by your lover, feeling invisible, feeling trapped
