Tools for Intentional Living – Dr. J. Nickens

The past and the present converged in the most unlikely way…

My client was in therapy to talk about how to tolerate, and maybe help, a severely alcoholic sister.  He was alternately angry and resentful about his sister’s selfish and dangerous behavior, and about the way it tore the family apart.  He had only recently realized how damaged, and damaging she was.
Then the session took a turn in a completely new direction.  We’d been talking about times in life when your eyes are opened to unspeakable truths, truths you had not imagined, and he told me a story.

It seems that when he was about 10 years old he had witness a Ku Klux Klan rally, and had seen a man that he knew, a man who was prominent in their community, marching at the front of the hateful procession yelling epithets and threats about the African-Americans in the community.  He had been frightened and angry, and uncertain of what if anything he, a young Caucasian boy, should or could do.  He knew he disagreed with the Klan’s rhetoric, and wondered why they so hated African-Americans and wanted them gone from their town.  The Klan members finally left and he wandered away with some friends.

Later he and  his friends were standing on a corner when this same man drove up and stopped in front of them.  He leaned over toward the passenger window where the boys were standing looking at him warily, and he said to them “Hey boys, do you know where i can get me a good, clean colored girl?”  Nobody moved or spoke, and he laughed and drove away.  They understood what he was looking for and simply could not put this day’s experience together in a neatly understood package.

There are moments in life when the truth of another, absurd yet painfully real world is burned into our consciousness, leaving an indelible imprint that sits upon our souls the way a tattoo sits upon our skin.  This had been such a moment for my client, and though I wasn’t there, it became one for me as well.

We spent many hours talking about his life, with and without his sister.  He learned better coping skills, and also made some decisions about how to help his sister confront her alcoholism and yet not subject himself to her sometimes volatile behavior.  

But always I knew the story of the Klansman sat just behind his eyes, and reminded him of how we can endure yet be forever affected by events and people in our life. 

We all carry the memories, good and bad with us, each day and into our future.  Sometime our memories collide, leaving us wondering about “the way of things”,  how we came to be where we are, and how we will move to our next rightful place.  And we all ultimately choose which memories we will use to light our way.  If you need help in finding the path, and sorting through the memories, that will take you toward personal growth and fulfillment – and perhaps even offer hope to others as well, then make an appointment with a qualified therapist today.

You can use your life experiences, and your memories of them, to make a better world for yourself and others.