Tools for Intentional Living – Dr. J. Nickens

    Back “then” we called it: “Free Love!”

                                                                      Now they ask: “Hook up?”

The resurgence of sex devoid of emotional attachment has surprised and even shocked many grown up children of the 60s.   As they watch their own children and other younger people embrace a lifestyle that they thought had disappeared in the age of HIV/AIDS, some clients are having trouble reconciling their own youthful attitude with the current surge in recreational sexual behavior.

For some of my younger clients however, those who fall within the “hook-up” demographic, things at first glance are not so different from how they were five decades ago.   It’s all about just having some fun without “stressing” over who belongs to whom.    Interestingly, many of my female clients between the ages of 18 and 28 quickly and easily endorse their hook-up preference and history, and often lament the complications when some of the more “clingy” boys want to make them their girlfriend.  “Boring!” they say.

Yet, as we talk over the weeks of slow un-winding and gradual illumination, it often emerges that their perspective is more reactive than thoughtful.  The boys, they say, end up just using you anyway, so why not use them first?  If they could, they say, they would have a nice, sustained and mutually supportive relationship. 

We live in a complex world where constant multi-media communication tinted by emotional detachment is practiced by everyone, including our politicians and celebrities; where poly-amorous relationships are triumphantly splashed across the pages of popular social magazines; where 50% of marriages end in divorce, and where relationships of all kinds and descriptions are more and more acceptable to the general public.  Learning how to establish and maintain intimacy with another person must compete with the tweets, blogs, text messages, e/mail, voicemail, and other such trends that impart information without emotional attachment; and so far, while holding its own, “authentic intimacy” is definitely in a struggle for legitimacy.  “Boring”, they say.

I don’t believe there needs to be a litmus-test type template for what a relationship looks like, or for how one person creates and holds relationships in their life.  There’s room for all kinds of relationships, assuming mutual consent and reasonable contentment.  I DO believe the choice should be informed, thoughtful and a source of joy rather than being uninformed, thoughtless and a source of regret and remorse.

“Boring??”  Really?  

If you’re feeling bored – lost in a sea of hook ups in the arms of strangers, perhaps it’s time to consider making some changes.  Call and make an appointment with a qualified therapist today.   You can build a life of intentional commitment – and find more excitement than you imagine.