Tools for Intentional Living – Dr. J. Nickens

Sometimes our pain lingers, and pierces us again. 

 And again.

In my post on 2/15/09 I used Emily Dickinson’s poem The Storm to illuminate the anguish of lingering emotional pain.   I have worked with many clients whose struggles with anniversaries of painful events were so much more difficult for them than others could imagine.  

There was the mid 50′s, successful woman who, when she was five years old, her  father died on Christmas day.   Christmas would forever after be an overdone extravaganza and yet a quietly and deeply sorrowful day.  She loved the holiday season, yet always suffered silently as everyone around her laughed and opened gifts.

And there was the middle aged man whose lover had intentionally and deeply  humiliated him – to punish him – by having sex with his friend while saying hateful things about him- all done in front of him.  He loved her fiercely, even long after no longer seeing her and even as he suffered.  He could not forget the date nor the intense pain of the experience, and every year he was deeply depressed for weeks before and after the anniversary day.

The wounds we receive during our lifetime often stay with us long after they have sealed over on the surface and we have seemingly “moved on.”   The cliche that Time Heals All may however be more true than we can easily believe when one is in the throes of suffering.   The passage of time can bring balance and perspective, not so much by eclipsing the painful event but rather by allowing other more pleasant or affirming events to take place along side, becoming a larger and larger part of our life’s tapestry. 

Eventually these more positive events do outweigh the sharp piercing pains and reduce them to more distant, softer aches.  Ultimately they join the panoply of trials and tribulations that comprise a lifetime.

So as you meet and greet friends and strangers, remember that everyday may be someones sad anniversary day, and their inner pain is probably more difficult than you realize.

If today, July 31, or any other day is your anniversary of experiencing pain or shame try saying “Happy Anniversary” and “Good Bye” to those difficult memories.  If this is the anniversary of you giving someone else pain through privately punishing or publicly shaming, then find a way to make simple but sincere amends so that both of you may lift your eyes to a horizon free of the shadows of those moments.

And when you simply cannot move beyond those moments, seek help and support from a qualified professional so that your past does not become your future.