I very often hear, in the course of couples counseling and individual therapy, that a client loves her or his husband/wife/partner. In the middle of listing the particulars and illuminating the generalities of their persistent discord, one person or another will say: “I love him (or her) very much.”
What I ususally ask is: “Can you tell me when you last did a loving thing for her?” Or, “Can you tell me when you last did something that was distinctly or even intentionally NOT loving?” I want to k now whether the “love” being professed is an abstract idea, as in “I love blueberry pie”, or if the person has learned that loving another person requires loving thoughts, loving feelings, and loving deeds. Without the latter, the person’s love may be invisible to her or his partner.
When asked my question, one person responded “Well, I carried the groceries inside last week.” , to which his wife replied, ”Yes, and you ate them too!” What we may think of as a “loving thing” is not necessarily perceived that way by our lover. Are you curious and courageous enough to ask about your own loving behavior? Try it, and remember to just accept the answer without defending what’s you’ve done or explaining away what you haven’t. Just listen and perhaps you will learn how to love even better.
Simply ask: “Have you felt that I’ve done some loving thing in the past few days? In the past week?”
See if your ideas about your loving self, and your loving behavior are visible, or invisible. Then go about making your loving deeds so visible they shine.
